Letter from not quite a stranger
by Coca-Cola
Summary: Set in the summer between season 6 and 7. Dawn recieves a letter. This the first fic I've had the confidence to post, please R&R! Even Scathing comments and insults welcome!


Dear Dawn, 

It's me. Spike. And I'm asking you to do me a favour and read this. I'm sure you know everything by now. So this is to you, because you're the only one who I know will be curious enough to hear what I have to say.

First off, sorry. Not for everything, though. I'm not as pathetic as that. I just want you to know there are some things I really regret. Obviously what I did to Buffy that night. I think you both deserve and explanation for that, and the truth is I can't give one. But I can try.

First off is something I'm not sorry for. I'm not sorry for sleeping with Anya. And I don't think I have to tell you why. But after that I was just so pissed off for the way she treated me. Buffy I mean. Sure, Dawn, you're a little turncoat (a quality you should be proud of) but Buffy's just a bitch. 

I mean, even after she decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore, I could except that, because, well, I'm not. But we were getting along. It was like before that stupid song demon Harris called up, before we kissed the first time, we really were friends. We talked, we spent time together…It was like that. And then suddenly she was treating me like the dirt under her feet again. Maybe I'm not good enough for her, but I'm not beneath her. You see the difference?

So, yeah, I did take pleasure in hurting her. But like I said to her, I didn't go to Anya with vengeance in mind. I was looking for a spell. For myself. To make these feelings for her stop, anything to stop her tormenting me! I couldn't handle it then, I can't now. I hate her so much it burns, but I can't help it…I don't just love her, I'm in love with her. 

The difference is that now I can understand it. I can look at it from her point of view, and I might've done the same thing. 

But not then. I had no idea. I wasn't angry, just torn apart. I tried to make it stop, and when I couldn't, I tried to start it again. 

It was twice as hard telling her all this. So hard, that I just lost it. She was cutting me off, not letting me finish, acting all superior and high-and-mighty. I got so upset that everything was twisted in my head, and then she said that yeah, she did have feelings for me. It was then that I started to lose my grip on everything. She said she didn't love me, I was convinced she did. I tried to get through to her, but she wouldn't let me. So I tried to prove to her that it was true. 

When I realised what had happened, I was sickened. I literally threw up twice on my way back to the crypt. Then I just couldn't focus. Couldn't believe what I'd done. Almost done. Tried to do. Clem, for chrissake, tried to help me see sense, but obviously I didn't tell him what had happened. He just thought that I'd had another row with Buffy. So I finally got my head together, I decided to leave. 

No boring you with details here. I got a flight to Africa, got off the other end, took a ride into the desert, and met up with a demon I'd heard of. I told him what I wanted. To go back to how I was before. I wanted Buffy to see a bloody change.

He said I'd have to go through a series of tests. Well, actually, the bugger didn't tell me that until later. I thought it was just one. But I did them. And Dawn, literally, it was hell. I have never, not even with Glory, been through so much pain. I can't tell you how much I wished it was all over. Raw determination kept me going. And the fact that however many times Buffy says I'm weak, I'm bloody strong. That's not just me boasting. I'm the only one ever to be able to complete those fucking trials.

But you see, this bloke, he pulled a real stunt on me. I never really voiced what I wanted. I just reckoned he knew what I was talking about.

And the dirty bastard gave me a whole lot of trouble I didn't want.

He gave me back my soul.

Bet you weren't expecting that. To be perfectly honest, neither was I. Yeah, I was pretty fucked up about Buffy and what I did to her, but in the end I thought I was there to get that bleeding chip removed. I suppose I just assumed it. I might as well admit it, I reckoned I was doing all this just so I could kill you all, in the end. Sorry Dawn.

I wonder if you'll ever forgive me? I know that one day, Buffy will, but you're so much more easily hurt than she is. So how about it, Dawnie? What do you think now that you know everything? Do you accept my apology?

I don't really care anymore. Don't get me wrong, I care about you, just not about myself. It might've been hard for Angel when he got his soul, but in all truth, it's harder for me because I loved Buffy when I was given my soul, and I have to live through the things I've done to her. 

I'm don't want to talk about what I'm going through with this bloody inconvenience. In truth, it hurts too much. But I have to, so that you can understand a little of what I feel. Every day, I try to sleep and I'm haunted by dreams, nightmares of what I've done to people. During the night I can only try to forget, than feel immediately guilty. Let me tell you, I don't brood. I'm not Angel, and I don't want you or anyone else measuring me up to him. I don't care what he does or how he tries to redeem himself. I don't want to. I can deal, thanks very much. 

Look. This is really hard, because time was I'd have laughed hysterically at anyone who told me I'd ever be feeling guilty. 

Truth be told, I'm feeling more like my old self. The chip is gone, yeah. Don't worry, I haven't started committing mass murder, It's just that I feel a lot stronger. Strong enough to sit down and write this to you.

One last thing. I'm coming back to Sunnydale. If you've had a chance to read this and you understand then I suppose I'll be seeing you. 

-Spike. 

PS. Do not, under any circumstances, show this letter to Buffy. 


End file.
